I felt a little lost after that and looked for love in different places. I dated a woman, a bisexual man, and then finally settled down with a very gentle man.
I’d always been attracted to tall, dark, and handsome men, but this guy was about the same size as me and completely nonthreatening. We quickly settled into a fairly happy life and started raising my child together. We’ve lived together for a few years now, own a home, and have a nice life. I’m so bored and frustrated with this man. He is so beta, he won’t make any decisions or plans or take responsibility for anything. We live in a pretty traditional area and are surrounded by traditional relationships but at our home I am the one who wears the pants and I hate it. I don’t want to be the one who makes all the decisions, it’s exhausting! I want a man to lead me. I have tried to gently ask him to be more of a leader in our household and he’s made a few references to having trouble leading because I don’t follow, but when I try to submit I feel like we are a captainless ship. My husband just doesn’t lead the household. Examples range from my always planning every trip and vacation we take (I suggested he plan our vacation this year … we didn’t end up taking any) to my being responsible for repairs on the house, purchasing cars, money, etc. I also do almost all the cooking and cleaning, which I don’t mind - I only work part-time. But what I really want is someone to make me feel like everything is going to be okay, someone who makes me feel safe and secure in life, and I feel like I am the one who is doing that for him. I just want someone strong for me who I can rely on. I want to be the lady in this relationship. I find myself not sexually attracted to him … he’s not dominant in bed either.
Related StoriesĪsk Polly: Why Don’t the Men I Date Ever Truly Love Me?īut this guy isn’t bad. He’s a really nice guy! He works full-time, he’s nice to my kid, he always does whatever I want (ugh). Should I just resign myself to this life? Man up to being the man in the relationship? Because it is my fault I’m in this pickle, he hasn’t changed a bit. I liked that he was soft and gentle before, but now I’m annoyed that he’s girly and non-confident. If you don’t want to wear the pants, then take the fucking pants off. You don’t want to be in charge of everything. Lots of smart, capable women in relationships feel that way. I’ve personally reacted to a bad breakup by choosing the exact opposite kind of man, which - well, that’s often a bad idea.īut look, your husband works full-time, he’s good to your kid, he always wants to please you, and instead of just making him a list of repairs that need to be done, or telling him he’s in charge of the vacuuming from now on, or that you want him to dominate you in the sack, you’re characterizing him as “girly” and “beta” and “non-confident”?įUCK THAT NOISE. What’s more confident than taking on someone’s kid wholeheartedly? I can tell you from personal experience that’s not a small thing emotionally. I was not the greatest at it myself, and I’m a woman, which supposedly means that I’m custom-built to mother every lost lamb that wanders into my nurturing crosshairs. I should’ve known that kids need lots of different sorts of people in their lives, whether they’re biological mothers or not-all-that-nurturing, weirdo stepmothers or opinionated second cousins. We’re all just people! We each have to play to our own strengths.Īre you hearing what I’m saying? WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. The world is not inhabited ONLY by sweet, loving beta females and capable, tough, provider alpha males. We are every fucking conceivable thing in the universe. You have to give your husband some space to assert himself. That means asking him (a) how he feels, (b) what he wants, and (c) what’s going on in his head, and listening patiently and accepting what you hear. Unless you already welcome his input and opinions and emotions and initiatives and say, “Great idea! Let’s do it your way!” then my guess is that you want to have your cake and eat it, too. You want to have everything your way, but you want to blame every single thing that’s not quite right on your guy. You have a fantasy of some kind of cowboy leader-provider.
And hey, who doesn’t? What woman alive isn’t partially poisoned by that nugget of heteronormative fool’s gold? But you need to wake the fuck up and listen to me: A cowboy leader-provider-protector is a fantasy, just like the fantasy of the sexy-cool dream girl who grills your steak just right and then blows you just right every single night. In reality, the cowboy has wiry ear hairs and more insecurities than a so-called beta male.